Dating Japanese Women - Friends First (Sometimes) Works

In America we have a saying regarding relationships "Friends first never works" but that is simply not the case with Japanese women.  When you try to date a Japanese girl in the same way that one would a western girl (try to move quickly without being friends first) you will probably get rejected as too eager.  Particularly if the woman has never dated a gaijin before.

However, in the US many of us have tried "Friends first" and crashed and burned.  Why is this?

Simply put, Japanese women who date mostly Japanese men are used to that style.  Japanese men in general  are far less aggressive when asking out a woman, and far less aggressive in moving forward physically.  This is caused partly by Japanese culture valuing a sort of "no touch" rule, as well as the Japanese respect and politeness values.  

Not becoming friends first looks like you're coming on too strong!  What we Gaijin think is normal, after living in Japan for a while, we find out that most things we do are either rude or "too much."

As a foreigner you should understand this and take the appropriate action.  Of course some women will break this norm, but most will want to be friends first.  That's not to say that a foreigner can't get a Japanese girlfriend, the style of courting will be a bit different than you are used to.  Chivalry is important: holding doors, moving chairs etc... many women are surprised because Western chivalry is not as prevalent.  Hell, they even have "Princess Cafes" where Japanese girls go to be treated with the utmost chivalry by Gaijin men.  Give your girl that kind of chivalry so she won't have to pay for it at a cafe!

Dating Japanese women can be tough, but I can't even give advice when you don't have a Japanese girlfriend yet!  Good luck!

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Welcome to Dating Japanese Women

I want to help you have a great relationship with your Japanese girlfriend by following some tips.  It is not easy dealing with some of the cultural differences and I have read things on the internet where the "gaijin" man had no idea what he did to deserve the breakup.

To understand Japanese women, one must know the cultural norms of Japan.  Japan is a collectivist country, where people are not allowed to complain.  Japanese don't generally complain until they just can't take it anymore, I have experienced this in my relationship.  One has to read between the lines as arguing is considered more rude than ignoring the problem, so be sure to pick up on subtleties before it's too late!

Keep in mind, there is a higher degree of etiquette that is to be expected from you.  Did you know that a big pet peeve of Japanese people is eating on a train?  That drove my girlfriend absolutely crazy!  Things that you don't even think about can be seen as disrespectful here, so try to mind your manners.  Here is a helpful modern guide on Japanese Etiquette.

Good luck, and good life with your (future?) Japanese Girlfriend!